Singleness is a Blessing!
If I could have had it my way, I would have been married by now.
I would have married my high school sweetheart or met a handsome boy in college, and we would have gotten engaged right after graduation. Heck, I would of even married a few boys I met on tinder- If it would have worked out. It wasn’t that I was boy crazy, or even imagined my wedding as a little girl. It was because I had a heart to be a wife and a mother, and I still do.
If you too have a heart of a wife and a mother, I know how painful it is to wait.
But before I get into wedding bliss, where every Wednesday I'm going to give you a few wedding updates and blog posts, I feel like I should start off by expressing to you how low my lows were and how high my highs were as a single woman.
SINGLE AF!
I’m sure you’ve seen the movie 27 Dresses. Hello, that’s me. I am her. I almost took a picture of my closet so you could see how many bridesmaid dresses I actually have hanging in there. Instead I’m going to go down the line in my closet and tell you.
• I have my little cousin’s bridesmaid
dress in my closet, who is 10 years
younger than me.
• My two best friends dresses are in
there.
• I have a couple of dresses from a
few brides that I was in the 1st and 2nd wedding.
• I was a bridesmaid in my grandmother’s 3rd wedding.
(Thanksgiving of 2012, she told me to never get married)
•A few dresses that I have I truly believe the brides just asked me to be a bridesmaid out of pity. (If you ever have been a bridesmaid, you know that it’s TOTALLY okay not to be a bridesmaid. Let me just sit in the audience and enjoy the cake.)
Lastly, I have a few dresses that I never wore, because the weddings were called off.
Let me say this- I am so grateful that these women picked me to be in their wedding. I was happy for every single woman that got married on those days. They were perfect moments in time and I was so lucky to be a part of their special day. But I couldn’t help but think maybe I was falling behind. Time was passing and here I was with no potential suitors. I have caught so many bouquets that I probably would have enough flowers for my whole wedding coming up- HAH! Granted, the last few weddings I had been to, I was the only single one.
It was annoying that I had became the only single woman standing and waiting to catch a bouquet by the bride. Whats even more annoying is to catch it standing In the middle of 10 year olds who cry when my height and long arms reach across their head.
It had also become increasingly annoying coming home from college and the thanksgiving dinner conversation ended up being about me and why I wasn’t dating anyone…
It also became a running joke that I had to go on The Bachelor in order to find someone. (Which was the best thing I've ever done as a single woman.. but that's another blog post...)
I could handle it being annoying. I wasn’t in a rush. I had never been in a hurry to find someone. All these things bothered me, but I could deal with it.
The scary part is the conversation I was having with myself. I almost tricked myself into believing that I didn't want to be a wife or a mother. It was easier to believe that then to always hoping and always being let down.
Mr. Right Now and Mr. Right!
I believe that people come into your life for a season, a reason, or a lifetime. And people that were meant for a season, you can't put into your lifetime category. I've tried.
Mr Right Now is not the same person as Mr. Right. TRUST AND BELIEVE ME. Oh, the time I wasted and the lessons I have learned the hard way by ignoring the fact I was not with the right person.
Hoping a boy would love me back, as much as I loved him was like giving my soul a self-inflicting wound. Why I thought I wanted someone who didn’t want me was a good idea...I’ll never know.
I look back now and get so mad at putting myself into those situations.
I’ve also dated a Mr. Right Now that wasn’t a jerk at all. He actually had every checked box on my list. Still yet, he wasn’t the one. That break up was no easier than the jerk who shattered my heart in two. Each breakup taught me a little bit more about myself. My ownership in what I did wrong in the relationship. Mistakes that I had made that I would never make again. What I wanted, what I didn’t want.
It's okay to make mistakes in dating. This is your time of personal growth, and maturing. I hope you are wise enough to know the difference between Mr. Right Now and Mr. Right. And I hope if you find yourself with Mr. Right Now that you find the confidence and the strength to exit the relationship. I pray that you find yourself and love yourself the way you deserve... and you don’t need a man to do that.
Oh, and P.S. Remember, people will treat you the way you let them treat you.
CHEETOS ON MY WHITE COMFORTER MOMENT
Around my mid-twenties and years of dating failure, I had an epiphany. It was right after a very pitiful self-loathing moment I was also having… “Why can’t I find anyone?” “Will anyone love me?” “Does God just want me to be single the rest of my life?” “Why does this boy not love me as much as I love him?” Pretty dramatic for a twenty-something year old.
Still today it’s one of my favorite memories of being single. I was eating Cheetos in my bed that had a big fluffy white comforter, watching Sex and the city. As I was eating Cheetos and not caring if the crumbs fell onto my white comforter, I had a self-realization. I knew at that very moment, that the phase in my life of being in my own bed, in my own apartment, eating whatever I wanted in my bed, would never come again.
This may be the only time in my life to ever be completely selfish.
One day you’ll be a wife. One day you’ll be a mother. And with those two wonderful titles comes great responsibility. There will be times where you have to put yourself second. But right now, in this moment, I had no one to tell me I couldn’t eat Cheetos in my bed. Or to be careful because you’re on a white comforter. No one was complaining to me about changing the TV channel from my favorite show because they wanted to watch something. Nope, none of those things were happening, and as much as I wanted to be with my soulmate, I found such pleasure in doing whatever the heck I wanted.
In that moment, as silly as it may seem, I realized that singleness was a gift.
I hope whatever you are doing on your own, whether it be eating ice cream out of the carton, or traveling to places without having to check in with someone- You are enjoying every minute of it. Be grateful and thankful for the season you are in, because seasons pass and seasons change.
WAITING!
Someone once told me to never pray for patience, because you never know how long God might teach you patience-HAH! With that being said, I never prayed for patience while waiting on the right person. I did pray that God’s will and timing be done. I prayed for my God given woman intuition to nudge at my heart and my mind when I was with someone who I wasn’t supposed to be with, and that if I was still left confused and hurt, that the strong women in my life would speak truth into my heart.
Waiting is a lot easier when you see your worth and you view being single as a blessing.
It’s also a lot easier when you have women rooting for you to love yourself as they see you. (Thank you Mom. Thank you, Whitlee. Thank you, Kelly. Thank you, Lauren. Thank you, Tia. Thank you, Ms. Skoog. )
WHAT I HOPE YOU KEEP IN MIND..
All in all, all you single ladies, I want you to know that I understand your pain and frustration. I also want you to know that being single is a blessing. It’s a season of self realization and self growth. Learn about yourself. Love yourself. Do all the things you wanted to do. Travel. Eat. Find your happy.
And lastly, always, always remember, your worth is not defined by a man. It's defined by you.
Next week I'll talk more wedding, but this week I wanted to encourage all those single girls out there. I am praying for you, I am rooting for you. Know your worth.
XOXO,
Raven
Idk if you’ll ever see this but THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for your kind words of encouragement. You have NO idea how much I needed that. I got out of another heartbreaking “situationship” with a Mr. right now who I wanted (and admit still sometimes feel this way) so much to just love me the way I loved him. The past couple weeks have been TOUGH. I’m trying to stay strong. I have such a big heart and want so badly to be a wife and a mother already. All my friends are married/in relationships.&I’m still trying to figure out how to love myself again and accept my failed relationships for what they are. However, your words reminded me that though past relationships have failed, I’M not a failure. I can live, learn, enjoy being single and remember my worth, have cheetos whenever wherever I want, travel wherever whenever. It’ll be ok. I’ll be ok. You’re a beautiful woman Raven, truly. Thank you for reminding me there’s always light no matter how dark it can seem sometimes. God really blessed you with a good heart knowing how many others you’d touch with your words today. Thank you again.
Seriously what I needed to hear! I appreciate you for taking the time to write this because I’ve been needing this for some time. Thank you Raven❤️
Wow! Such an amazing read. Thank you for this. As a woman we are always wondering if we should get out of a relationship where there’s no love. We fear of starting over & being alone. But it’s so needed when a guy isn’t your SO. Find yourself, love yourself, and enjoy life in our single time. God will align the path for us to meet our soul mates. We have to love ourselves 1st for anyone to love us. Patience is key lol. Thank you Raven for this amazing confirmation. You’re wonderful😁
Thank you Raven for being so kind to acknowledge us single ladies and letting us know that you see us and are rooting for us. It shows a lot about who you are as a person to stop and acknowledge those that don’t have that significant other in their lives, even though you could just dive right into the wedding stuff. So thank you, you’re beautiful and the sweetest soul. I definitely needed to hear this as some days are just harder than others to be patient! ❤️ – Megan
Hi Raven!
This was the best thing I could read right now! I recently got out of a 5 year relationship in which I thought was the one for SO long. Little did I know I was too naive. I now see why he was wrong for me in so many ways. It’s always hard coming out of a relationship and finding your single self. But I am enjoying it and know what to look for now. This letter was inspiring and gave me hope! Thank you xoxo
This is wonderful. You are beyond your years! I can’t believe I am about to say this but I am 44- 45 in November and still feel 26! However I am single and so far behind. I am now behind the round two of friends because you lose the first group to marriages and married couples and have to make new friends. Now those are onto marriages. I am a box of cats away from being the crazy cat lady! And that cat lady got crazy because she was so single but saw herself as a good catch!!! I want kids and I want a husband. Just not someone else’s! I want the firsts! Is that possible??? Good luck to you and your future and if any of the left over friends need a friend I’ll be over here looking at cats adoption centers! Derp
This is wonderful. You are beyond your years! I can’t believe I am about to say this but I am 44- 45 in November and still feel 26! However I am single and so far behind. I am now behind the round two of friends because you lose the first group to marriages and married couples and have to make new friends. Now those are onto marriages. I am a box of cats away from being the crazy cat lady! And that cat lady got crazy because she was so single but saw herself as a good catch!!! I want kids and I want a husband. Just not someone else’s! I want the firsts! Is that possible??? Good luck to you and your future and if any of the left over friends need a friend I’ll be over here looking at cats adoption centers! Derp
I believe that people come into your life for a season, a reason, or a lifetime. And people that were meant for a season, you can’t put into your lifetime category.
I’ve thought about this idea of yours a ton since you were on Kaitlyn bristowes podcast and said it. It has really meant a ton to me, so thank you for sharing it. This was a beautiful post and so universal. I too am getting married in the next year and can’t wait to follow your planning as I plan! Also, I won’t be having a bouquet toss at my wedding as I know how it makes so many of my single friends feel and how I have felt doing it. I want to keep that expensive beautiful bouquet!! Anyway thanks for posting and please keep sharing, I think you’re amazing!
Thank you so much for this, I needed it.💓 Even though I am still very young, I have the heart of a wife and mother too and it can sometimes be hard to have to try so hard to not feel so alone when you’re single.
Thank you so much for this. I cried reading it because I feel like no one understands me or what I’m going through. I just turned 28. My friends are all married and starting their families. My younger cousins and younger siblings are all married. It’s been very hard. And I have only had 1 relationship in my life and I always ask God why. I feel exactly like you felt and your story just opened my eyes to see the positiveness in singleness. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
Thank you so much for this! I hope you know how much I needed to hear this! I am so happy you found your forever and I wish you a lifetime of happiness ❤️
Raven,
I have followed you since your time on The Bachelor to Bachelor in Paradise and so on. I first want to say congrats to you and Adam for finding each other and for a beautiful engagement. I have been a little down lately to be honest. I’m 36 single never married no kids. I have a lot of your cheeto moments while driving and jamming to loud female anthem songs. I always ask God “hey did you forget me ? Where’s my person?” Today reading your blog made me go this lovely girl from tv felt the same way. I quickly shared this with my other single girlfriends. I still am the biggest optimist in the world and always will be. But your blog gave me that extra tad of hope and love I really needed today. So thank you for praying for us single girls and rooting for us. We are rooting for u and Adam and your success each and every day.
Raven,
This spoke to me so much! I am the same way I want to be a wife and mother. I see all my friends getting married and by this time all my siblings were married either by 24 or earlier. Thank you for reminding me that’s its okay and to enjoy being single and that the right one will come!
Thank you for sharing this Raven. Hopefully one day I can be as brave as you!! I wish you all the best!
Hi 💕 I just wanted to say I just read your blog post for the first time and it hit my heart with the exact words I needed to hear. I just got out of a 3 year relationship with a very controlling toxic guy. I thought he was Mr. Right and gave up almost my entire identity. I’ve really been struggling and praying for strength and reading what you wrote really opened my eyes. Thank you so much.
Raven, you are such an amazing woman. Although I am old enough to be your mom, I have enjoyed following your journey and am SO happy for you and Adam! ❤️ Your heart is even more beautiful than that stunning outside! In reading this, I also have to add that it’s BEYOND important to understand that God’s plan is sometimes very different from our own. Like you, I thought I would be married and having babies in my 20s. But, that wasn’t His plan for my life. At 50, I am finally at peace knowing that He didn’t choose a husband for me. But, I am blessed in so, so many other ways! Thank you for using your platform to encourage others!
P.S. If I had a daughter, I like to think she would have been just like you! Much love! Paula xoxo
Thank you so much for that!
Thank you sooo much for this everything you wrote is sooo right I’m 24 and I feel
Like I will be single forever I feel stuck but being alone is about loving yourself
First and the rest follows thank you ! And happy for you and Adam. 🤗
I’ve just become single for the first time since I was 14 years old—21 now. I was planning my wedding and my lifetime to someone I thought I’d spend forever with. It’s been the hardest couple of months, but also rewarding! I’ve never learned so much about myself in such a short couple of months. I’ve traveled alone, met new people, jumped out of the plane, and just completely came out of my shell! I really think this breakup was my saving grace because I needed this time for me more than anything. As hard as it is, it’s worth it!! And your words are so true!
I feared reading this thinking that I was going to be upset or just indulge in self pity, but man am I glad I did! Thank you for this. I really really need it!